


Addictions and Imperfections

by idrilhadhafang



Series: The Broken Edge [15]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Ben Solo is addicted to the Dark Side, Dark Tone, Don't Try This At Home, Food Issues, Gen, M/M, Nightmares, Possessive Sex, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Care issues, Self-Esteem Issues, with some bleak humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-10-15 06:09:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10551388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Ten snippets from the beginning of Ben and Poe's relationship.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Dark Tone
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

1\. The nightmares still bother them both, and for all the nightmares he suffers, Ben wishes that there was a way to kiss away Poe's nightmares as well. Heal his scars, and his pain. When he has to go over to Poe's house to comfort him and hold him, he hates Lisaris more.   
  
It's one night after a particularly awful nightmare that Ben goes over to Poe's house. Poe stumbles out, looking bedraggled, hair a mess, eyes with shadows underneath them, and Ben's heart aches. He wishes he could hold Poe in that moment, comfort him, and his arms wrap around Poe, holding him even as Poe recounts his nightmare. He strokes Poe's hair, plays with it, and Poe falls asleep eventually in his arms.   
  
Carrying Poe back to the house is really no issue at all. Indeed, Poe is so fragile-seeming in Ben's arms (mostly thanks to his height, which is short and slender next to Ben, who's taller and more muscular) that it's too easy. He places Poe on the bed, feeling a furious sort of tenderness even looking at the man he loves. How dare Lisaris hurt this precious being?  
  
"I'm never going to leave you," he murmurs. "I promise."  
  
  
2\. He was too slow against Lisaris. Even as he works himself to the point of soreness, he can't give up. Damn this body, this slow, useless, disgusting body...it wasn't fast enough to save Thomas, it never was, it was never good enough, and even now, it's getting dizzy and weak. His stomach rumbles and he curses himself. Of all the times to think about food, of all the times...  
  
He can't afford to be hungry. Even dueling this holographic representation of Darth Malak, he can't afford to give up. He's weak, so weak, so fragile, such a failure with a lightsaber...  
  
It's after a humiliating defeat at the hands of the Malak module that he heads back to Poe's doorstep, still hungry, embarrassed, and all but stinging with the weight of his failure. How could he have been so useless, so slow, so tired -- no wonder he couldn't save Thomas, he wasn't strong enough --  
  
He can remember something that Master Naris once said to him and Mike. _"Drunken, one-legged tachs could wield a lightsaber better than either one of you!"_ And he's wondering if, in a way, Master Naris at least has a point here. Darth Malak was one of the greatest lightsaber duelists of the old Republic and Ben is...mediocre, he supposes. If they ever made a bio-holo of him, they could call it _The Life and Times Of The Mediocre Jedi With Too Much Vader In Him._  
  
Okay, he must really be hungry if his thoughts are running away with him that quickly...  
  
He stumbles on Poe's doorstep and knocks on the door.   
  
3\. He still has nightmares about Thomas. Even though he's mostly preoccupied with helping Poe, he still has his nightmares. These seem to have mutated into images of Thomas taunting him. _Stupid, mediocre Jedi. You think you can be something like your uncle? You're nothing, mediocre Jedi. You're nothing._  
  
He hasn't told anyone yet about the nightmares. Dad is a good listener but he doesn't understand half of Ben's worries most of the time. It's a lot like they're speaking different languages without a translator; his father doesn't understand why Ben has to be more than just good enough, why anger is bad, why the Code matters, things of that nature. Uncle Luke will most likely agree that it was all his fault, as will Mom. And Poe has enough to deal with.   
  
So Ben stuffs it down. It hurts, but that's what you do in the Order. You hurt, and you say nothing.   
  
  
4\. There is something about the powers he learns that are enough to give Ben hope. At last he has the opportunity to get the upper hand!   
  
And yet it's wrong, isn't it? It's not allowed. The Code would never, ever allow it. It would be like Uncle Luke using Dark Side powers. And Uncle Luke would never, ever allow something like that, not once, not ever...  
  
And yet he wasn't strong enough to stop Lisaris the first time. He was weak, he was slow. He can't afford to be weak and slow again.   
  
So he accepts. He slips into the role all but flawlessly, and he practices. Practicing is what matters, and he will learn whatever powers he has in order to defeat Lisaris.  
  
  
5\. In between his training, Ben researches if there are any other Jedi who have the abilities he has. At least, the mixture of both sides of the Force in him. Both sides -- even the idea that the Dark Side is part of him has caused more nightmares to rise up. Nightmares where the Dark Side becomes a sentient shadow and begins beckoning to him. Flashes of the same man from the building on Milara, leading a troop through Telos to slaughter innocents.   
  
He doesn't tell Poe about the dreams. There are times when he wonders how he got so lucky to be deemed worthy of Poe's affections. Someone like _him._ (He doesn't tell Poe that either, but he tries to show it through every touch, every word, every moment. Poe is a blessing, and he hopes he can be good enough for this man) He can imagine Poe's repulsion, ordering him out of his sight. He can imagine the anger in those eyes, the hatred overtaking love. Accusations of trickery, no doubt. _"You made me love someone as tainted as you."_  
  
Besides, he wants to shelter Poe. Sweet, deceptively delicate-looking Poe, who he wants to protect from everything the galaxy has to throw at them just to torment them.  
  
But he researches. When he can, he researches. So far, there are no Jedi who were born with both sides of the Force in them. There are Jedi with other abilities, Force mimics like the Jedi Exile Arawn Sinn, but no one like him. No one like Ben Solo, in his early twenties and having no idea what to do with himself. It would be easy to dismiss Yana's statement as a lie, and yet it makes too much sense. Far too much.  
  
The Dark Side is a part of him.  
  
  
6\. It's once he accepts it that diving in feels all too easy. Ben feels almost like a starving man presented with a feast -- it's filling a sort of emptiness in him he didn't know existed. It's wrong, it's so very wrong, he can sense Poe's worry when he comes home from every lesson, and yet he can't stop. He doesn't think he wants to, actually. _This is my identity. This is my heritage._ Perhaps that was who he was meant to be all along.   
  
  
7\. He can't help but hate Poe sometimes.   
  
No, he doesn't hate him. Not really. But by the stars does he yearn for Poe's approval. He doesn't have to worry about love; Poe gives that freely. Reassures him that yes, he does love him. But Ben wishes that Poe wouldn't look at him with such worry, such anxiety. It's there, Ben knows it, when he comes home from a lesson or shows off one of the powers that Poe, in his mind, has deemed as "unacceptable". That look like he's _scared_ for Ben.  
  
Ben can't bear it. He's furious with Poe. No, he wants his approval so badly. To know that he is worthy of Poe's love. He almost wants to scream, to demand if Poe wants him to crawl on his hands and knees and _beg_ because by the stars, Ben will do that, he's Poe's, completely --  
  
But he doesn't scream it. Doesn't even say it. Instead, he keeps that need to say it bottled up inside like he should. He doesn't tell Poe that he belongs to him, but he makes sure to communicate it through every touch, every gesture, because Poe has claimed him, and he'll do anything for him.  
  
  
8\. He can't lose him. He can't not be good enough for him. That's what goes through Ben's mind on one of the nights that he and Poe make love, on one of the nights where Poe's in the mood for him to take charge. He looks down at this precious being gasping at every touch, and he feels a sort of satisfaction. No one else could ever make him feel like this, no one else could ever touch him the way Ben does. And he can't help it spiraling into need. He can't be without Poe; even the idea is agonizing.  
  
"How do you feel?" Ben says. "You feel good?"  
  
"Yes. So good..."  
  
And Ben continues to enter Poe, soaking in every murmur of his name (in a voice that's like music), craving him and knowing that he can never give enough.  
  
  
9\. It's in the morning that he can't help but feel guilt over what exactly he's done. Even making breakfast with Poe, he can still see the marks on his neck where his mouth laid claim last night. Everyone will see those marks, know that Poe --  
  
No, that's ridiculous. They don't need that. Ben can remember some of the stuff he read where beings did treat their lovers like possessions and he hopes he's not slipping into that mode. He doesn't know what happened to him last night, when he was so overwhelmed with fear and desire. He turns to Poe, and as far as he can feel, there's nothing that suggests that Poe's traumatized in any way, and yet...he seems worried.   
  
Ben doubts he could ever live with himself if he hurt Poe in any way.   
  
  
10\. He doubts he can live without Poe. And yet he doubts he can live without this new addiction, this need to prove himself. Two things that he knows full well own him. He doubts he could give either of them up. Perhaps they now own him in two separate ways, like the Light and Dark forever raging in his heart.


End file.
